The best musical that was ever made - CATS
by Chibi Teazer
Summary: This is a humerous interpretation/synopsis of the musical Chiefly written for my website but I decided that i may as well put it up. Please r/r
1. The ever consuming, ever booooring Defau...

THIS IS ONLY ACT ONE. CLICK THE LINKIE BELOW FOR ACT TWO.  
  
This was written for Lilo… as she puts it. She didn't know (for some odd reason unbeknownst to cat fans everywhere) the plot, or as I like to call it the synopsis of CATS. So here is a rather… long synopsis. Hopefully with no "helpful" inputs from a certain tom that we all know and love…. (just re- reading that last sentence Eugh…)  
  
Contraire to popular belief I am able to write a serious piece of writing. This is my first attempt at a synopsis of the musical CATS. (The video version as I am poor as hell and haven't got enough money to go to London {from Australia} buy the 35 pound ticket {that's like over one hundred dollars here which I do not have…} .) Okay. Enough chatting, shall we get down to work?  
  
DISCLAIMER: This story, (Cori – Story? You have got to be kidding me!) (Shove off) belongs to RUG, TSE and ALW. Thankyou. Enjoy….  
  
CATS, one of the most well known of Andy Lloyd Webber's musicals is one of the biggest thrills to see (Even though I haven't seen it live.. *shoot*). The first scene/song is the overture. This is the sign that the musical is about to begin. I have been told that live it is the biggest thrill ever. So as the rustling of programs dies down, or in my case the rustling of the popcorn from the microwave, and the overture finishes the excitement begins. A body runs out on stage. A large 'truck/car' sound is heard and she flexes in fear, and then runs to a drainpipe to hide. As the first few bars are heard of Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats we see a whole lot of different cats some on stage including two very ODD (Cori – HEY!?) looking identical twins and one rather scary (if you are stuck right in front of her) looking abyssinian. One of the 'male' cats slides down the bonnet of an old car and starts the singing with 'are you blind when you're born?'. The queen who was first on stage (Demeter) sings the second and so it continues until about twenty five cats are on stage. The sing and dance telling the audience, who they were originally very shy of, what a Jellicle cat is. Until the leader, Munkustrap, stops them by saying: "There's a man over there, with a look of surprise as much as to say: well now how about that, Do I actually see with my own very eyes, a man who's not heard of a Jellicle cat? What's a Jellicle cat? What's a Jellicle Cat… What's a Jellicle Cat?" And that last line is chanted until all the cats are in a pyramid form chanting the naming of cats (This is a poem). Letting the audience know how cats have three different names. One that the family use, one that the cats themselves use when they are out and about meeting their friends and the last one that they only know and 'will never confess'. As they murmur the last few lines of the poem they begin to leave the stage.  
  
Finally only one cat is left onstage. A beautiful pure white queen named Victoria. She dances a beautiful dance that is part of the invitation to the Jellicle ball. But has fondly been called Viccy's solo dance by Cats fanatics everywhere. She finishes her solo dance all tucked up and suddenly the music hits the ears of everyone as Quaxo wakes us up from the dream like spell that has been cast over ourselves from her dancing. He dances and sings the final part of the Jellicle ball calling all the cats back onstage. Munkustrap then explains why the cats are all there: To have a ball and see which one of their tribe will go to the mystical Heavyside layer. Or in laymans terms, pass away. (Can you see how simply divine the musical is already??)  
  
Munkustrap then introduces us to the Gumbie Cat, or if you are watching an original cast it's Quaxo who introduces her. (Ha! Betcha didn't know that!) We learn how she is always asleep or lying in the sun. We then get told by (This is the usual group it may be different in some productions) Demeter, Bombalurina (Bombi) and Jellylorum that when the family is asleep and in bed she goes down to the basement to teach the mice that live in the house music, crocheting and tatting. We then continue into the song to hear how she thinks that the cockroaches in the household "just need employment" and how she has created a 'Beetle's Tattoo'. In which the editing to the video is absolutely (insert a horrified horrific atrociously terribly terrible word here). As the song finishes we see the Gumbie Cat (Jennyanydots is her name for those wondering) shaking paws with all the other cats.  
  
Suddenly we hear the drum roll and electric guitar which announces the arrival of the junkyard's greatest heart attack.. oh woops.. heart throb.. eh heh heh.. hmmm… The Rum Tum Tugger, who is the equivalent of an Elvis wanna be with an ego the size of Ayers Rock and muscles the same, enters with a MIAOW. He dances round the stage singing how he only wants what he doesn't have and doesn't want what is given to him. A very curious cat, to quote the rest of the cast. He, in the video, rejects Bombi as she sings making her fall flat on her face (And I aint dissing Rosie but hell that part is funny!! Hee hee!). The Rum Tum Tugger seems to have every queen and kitten (and also a few of the males.. *shudder*) in love with his flashy moves and sharp hip gyrations. Hi ends his song with a high note (have a look at the weird things going on around the stage at this point in time. Eg. Bombi *ahemming* with that uh white cat… and Cassie with the uh.. other white cat… aww crap…) and then continues dancing around the stage for about 45 seconds before pointing over to where an elderly cat is, pulling on his mane and saying a rather rude saying that rhymes with duck you….. but we won't go into that… ;P  
  
Enter Grizzie. The most hated of all cats played by the greatest of all actresses to ever play the part. Ah Elaine Paige. What a wonderful lady. (Cori – Get back on track.) (Oh, you're still here.) Anyway, she enters and tries to make the cats see her for what she really is, and of course they hate her. Except for the two inquisitive kittens, Jemima (Veerle Castelyn, I got a piccie of her in my diary if you wanna see) and Victoria (Phyllida Crowley Smith.. I CAN SPELL HER NAME RIGHT!!!) (Cori – Wow…) who seem to want to meet her, but they are taken away from her presence before they can by Jellylorum (Who has the best singing part in Growltiger, I may just add). Demeter sings that she is an outcast to the tribe and that no one would believe that once she was Grizabella the Glamour Cat.  
  
As she leaves Quaxo realises that someone has arrived. A rather 'large' someone. He enters from whateva side of the stage that he enters from and we learn that Bustopher Jones, is the fattest cat weighing in at 25 pounds! Jennyanydots, Jellylorum and Bombalurina (It's probably different in the stage version but don't shoot me okay..) (Cori – That's an idea… heh heh heh) (Oh go plot someplace else.) explain that he is not only fat but a 'rich' cat and he feasts on venison and other such luxuries. Jenny seems quite infatuated with him. (Cori – Sounds like you and poor Drew nee?) (Eugh.. stop copying my finishing words.) At the end of his song he gives Jenny his red flower from his button hole. BUT…..  
  
Suddenly the sound of crashing glass is heard. OH NO!!! (Cori – How cliché) (Buzz off) Demeter yells out the one line that she is famous for. (For the uneducated who haven't seen CATS.. I could say something very rude here but I won't... she yells out MACAVITY!!) Munkustrap makes sure that all the cats are out of the junkyard safely before he himself runs off. Then what do we hear? (Cori – She's been anticipating this moment for ages…) HEE HEE HEE HEE!!! SHHHHH!!! WHO IS IT?!?!??!?!?!? IT'S Mungo AND RUMPLE!!!! YAAAAAAAAYY!! Out pops Rumple from a er thingy (Does anyone actually know what she pops out of?) (Cori – A toaster?) (OH HA HA) giggling as she goes. She is told to 'shut up' by her partner in crime who at that present moment is not visible to the audience. (At this point my popcorn stops rustling completely as I am on the floor trying to figure out just how she manages to get her foot to stay in the air at the end part and how it gets to stay so damned high!) She motions for him to come forwards, and he to pops out of the (Cori – TOASTER!!!)…… *cough* um.. no… They thrust their bags of loot over their shoulders with one are and with the other they trace their body shape and do a little "cat burglar running away pose". They then hop of the little ledge they were originally standing on and get onto the main stage. They begin to sing their song. Their dance moves are simply divine as we see them telling how they are always stealing from their family and from other families and how when they do get caught they are running so fast that they are a blur of colour so the mistress and master of the house can't tell them apart (hence the saying: 'now which was which cat?!'). They finally get to the point where they are so loud that some of the other cats are peeping onstage to see them. They end their INCREDIBLY WONDERFULLY TERRIFICALLY SPLEDIFICAL performance with a … wait for it… wait for it… a DOUBLE cartwheel! They are the hardest things to do and then!! (There's more!!) He stands with his legs wide apart so that they are bent to the extent (hee hee… that rhymes) that Rumple can kneel with one leg on it with the other leg almost vertical and her arm straight in the air whilst holding on for dear life with the other one. All in all it is an excellent finish. Hey Lilo? If you wanna see a piccie of that… go to my piccie's sections! I think I have piccies of two different Mungo's and Rumple's doing that. Phew! As they do that last pose the rest of the tribe come out… Demeter is exceedingly annoyed that she had been tricked into thinking that they were Macavity and tells them off. Their loot bags are chucked over a large pile of rubbish and they try to escape the circle of Jellicles that have surrounded them. They run in three different directions before breaking their barrier at the back of the circle and running away. I might just point out that in the VHS two verses of their wonderful song were cut and it wasn't to the original tune of Mungo and Rumple. The original is a wonderful 20's style jazzie tune that is so much fun to sing and listen and dance (Cori – You dance like a duck…) (I never said that I was a good dancer okay!) to.  
  
The next scene all the cats are welcoming Old Deuteronomy. No not the guy in the bible but 'The oldest cat' of the tribe. He is the leader of the tribe also and all the kits and adults love him. Whilst he is being introduced by Munkustrap and a slightly less, shall we say, overexcited Rum Tum Tugger, the rest of the cats are rolling around on the floor. Rather an interesting sight really. Anyway, when he finally shows up we hear a wonderful tenor or bass (I dunno which one) voice (Old D.) singing a terrific solo. It really is a wonderful part of the play. Especially when the whole cast sing Well of all things can it be really? No! Yes! Ho Hi! Oh my eye! My mind may be wandering but I confess! I believe it is old Deuteronomy! This part is just so wonderful it leaves me tingly all over! (Cori – To much information) Anyway. Once Old D. has arrived we get into his special 'production' that is done for him by all the cats.  
  
The Pekes and the Pollicles, everyone knows, are proud and implacable passionate foes! Yes! It's time for the Aweful Battle of the Pekes and the Pollicles together with some account of the participation of the pugs and the poms and the intervention of the great Rumpus Cat. (Yes, Lilo, that last sentence is the whole name for it…. *phew* it is a bummer to write though.) Munkustrap gets to sing this part. It is a long poem that tells of the story of the aforewritten name. He starts by telling them that dogs in general are horrible because they bark. There is a wonderful 'barking' session there in which the toms and the queens 'bark' at 'opposite' times. He then goes on to say that one day two dogs, a peke and a pollicle, happened to meet. Out pops Rumple and Mungo dressed up as dogs. Now don't ask me why you know they are them (Cori – How'd you know it was them?) *sigh* because you can see her pearls and boots and those suspended legings that she has to wear. They pop out and in general stuff up as Mungo can't get his barking order correct. We then hear about the peke. Whom as Munkustrap puts it is a 'heathen Chinese'. (A/N this is not an insult it just means that the peke is an unlearned dog. And if you think about it, no real dog is learned…. Sad really. And just to make it feel better Rumple gets VERY annoyed about his insult and dobs on him. Please also remember that cats in general dislike dogs so they aren't likely to be being peachy and creamy to them nee?) He then continues on to the male dogs who are the pollicles. We then get to hear a great song called to marching song of the pollicle dogs. Which is funny as one of them stuffs up and goes the wrong direction. Which then puts off the whole team of marching dogs. We then have a big barking session in which the pollicles and the pekes are on separate side of the stages. Munku gives a tremendous scream of NOW!!!! and they shut up. He then tells us how one cat sent them all off and on their way named to Rumpus Cat. This part of the VHS is soooooooooo funny! Especially when Munku says: "You never saw anything f-i-e-r-cer o-r- hairier. The Rumpus Cat stretches and then rubs his tummy. The rest of the cats sing: All hail and all bow to the great Rumpus Cat. And then they all congregate around Old D.  
  
Old Deuteronomy then warns all the cats that:  
  
Jellicle cats and dogs all must,  
  
Pollicle dogs and cats all must,  
  
Like undertakers,  
  
Come to DUST!  
  
On the last word crashing is heard. MACAVITY! Is screamed by a rather freaked out…. (Cori – Guess Who) Demeter.  
  
The next part of the musical is a seven minutes, sometimes nine minutes long. It is a huge overture in which there are about five general parts.  
  
PART ONE  
  
The cats return from offstage after being freaked out by MACAVITY!!! They dance and sing telling us the main characteristics of Jellicle cats including:  
  
Jellicle cats have moonlit eyes – Sung by Beckie Parker, Cassandra  
  
Jellicle cats are of moderate size – Sung By Drew Varley and Jo Gibb, Rumple and Mungo.  
  
And so on.  
  
PART TWO  
  
The cats start doing slow dances. Very graceful dances.  
  
PART THREE  
  
Out comes Bombi and about five other of the queens. They dance a 'sexy' dance and are then 'taken' (Cori – They're carried of and it is all in good taste.) (You keep telling yourself that. I saw you oggling at Tant) (Cori – HUH?!?!?!) (He he he he he) by the male cats.  
  
PART FOUR  
  
This has commonly been called the 'mating dance'. In which Viccy becomes a queen. Or loses her kittenhood to erm… is it Plato or is it that ugly one… no it's Plato. She dances a little by herself and then Plato er hrms… with her. The rest of them come together in a pile in the middle of the stage all with their respective partners. Mungo and Rumple, Misto and Jemi etc…  
  
PART FIVE  
  
We hear the beginning of the overture and then all of a sudden the cats are up in a flurry of colour. THIS IS THE BESTEST PIECE OF MUSIC EVER!!! LILO… I'LL LET YOU BORROW MY CD JUST TO HEAR THIS PART IT IS THE BEST!!!!!!!!! Then all of a sudden they all collapse.  
  
END PART ONE OF CATS (AKA ACT ONE IS OVER) 


	2. Part two of this insane nonsense but if ...

HEY LILO!! It's me again!! And here is the second instalment of this synopsis that I kindly decided to write for you!!  
  
As everyone gets back into the theatre after being in the toilet, having an eat or drink we here music again bring us back to the land of CATS.  
  
ACT TWO  
  
The first part of the second act is really a beautiful song named the Moments of Happiness. Old D. sings the first part of the song whilst the cats below 'pose' in stiff figures. Then Jemima rises up and begins to sing her VERY impressive solo.  
  
Moonlight, turn your face to the moonlight,  
  
Let your memory lead you,  
  
Open up, Enter in.  
  
If you find there the meaning of what happiness is,  
  
Then a new life will begin.  
  
Jellylorum (THIS IS THE BESTEST PART FOR SINGING!!!) then leads out an old cat named Gus. He sits down and she introduces him as Asparagus, however the tribe just call him Gus as Asparagus is such a fuss to pronounce, that they usually call him just Gus. Jelly has often been seen as his daughter but I prefer to think of them as mates or something along those lines as she sings the whole Griddle/Growl thing with him. She sings (In the first australian one) the most beautiful solo. He then sings about how he used to be a star of the highest degree and that he was given seven 'cat-calls' once. His ending sentence is:  
  
And I once played Growltiger,  
  
Could do it again,  
  
Could do it again.  
  
1 The last sentence is heard over and over again until it fades out.  
  
The next scene is cut from the VHS version as Sir John Mills was blind and couldn't play a dance part like Growlie had to play. I personally think that John made the best Gus.  
  
Growltiger's last stand is certainly my most favourite scene, next to Mungo and Rumple. It is mainly a story of how everyone was scared of Growltiger as he was a pirate. They are almost as scared of his as they are of Macavity. They tell how he hated Chinese cats – Persians and Siamese as they cut off one of his ears and gouged out one of his eyes. They (meaning the toms who are dressed up as his crew) tell us how evil he was and everything. Then the queens (Who are the Siamese and Persians.) tell us how they are coming to attack him. The music is very fierce and scary sounding up until then but then it suddenly gets slower and more (dare I sound cliché but..) 'romantic.' Out comes Griddlebone (who is realy Jellylorum dressed up) who is a beautiful white cat with feather boas and a lovely wig. There are two different 'romantic' songs that they sing together. The first one was the 'Ballad of Billy Macaw' which is a beautiful song that they sing together. The other one is an Italian opera which is the bestest song for singing. (Cori – Hey dumo.. you've already said that about a different song) (DoN'T CaLl Me DuMo!) They finish that song with a terrific high note and then  
  
!@#$%^&*CRASH!@#$%^&*  
  
Is heard and one of the male cats is heard saying, with complete silence behind him:  
  
Then with a fearful burst of fireworks the chinks (Please see author's note at the end about this)  
  
They swarmed aboard!  
  
Abandoning their sampans their pullaways and junks….  
  
They Griddlebone she gave a screech for she was badly skeered!  
  
I'm sorry to admit it but she quickly disappeared.  
  
The term 'Chinks' when these poems were written (1930's) was considered allowable. I think it is a terrible term up with things like nigger etc. Andrew Lloyd Webber must have had a VERY good reason to keep it in his musical. Personally I would have changed it but I didn't write the musical so I can't.  
  
The ending of this wonderful song (which is a pun on Madame Butterfly) is wonderful. (Cori – That takes the cake for the worst sentence you have ever foisted upon us) Growltiger is 'forced to walk the plank'. The final words of the scene is an incredible build up towards a huge crescendo on the word 'BANKOK'. It is the best.  
  
We then cut back to see Gus (who all this time has played the part of Growlie) singing:  
  
These modern productions, are all very well,  
  
But it's nothing to equal,  
  
From what I hear tell,  
  
That moment of mystery,  
  
When I made History,  
  
As Firefrorfiddle, the fiend of the fell.  
  
THEN we get the wonderful SKIMBLESHANKS!!! YAAAAAY!! Demeter in the video starts this off terribly. I know I shouldn't be bagging her out but if you listen to all the recordings they have good STRONG beginnings. Aeva May (Demeter) has a wonderful voice for jazz but not for the beginning of Skimble (Cori – Quit while you're ahead girl). Skimble is the railway cat. He makes sure that everything is correct. It has (the song) the best harmonies in it. It's sooooo good. Skimble is dubbed in the video as they wanted an Irish accent. Which is rather sad. I think it is a crime to dub someone who can sing as if they had wanted someone with an Irish accent they (The Really Useful Group) shoul have gotten someone from Ireland. Skimble is the funniest song. Check out Rumple's cute little sneeze.  
  
At the end of Skimble we get another Macavity scare. Demeter and Bombi are the ones left on stage with a few of the queens and toms hanging around on the edge of the stage. Demeter stays in center stage whilst Bombi retires to lay herself down on er… something. But she sits down so as she can 'show- off' every 'part' of her. Demeter stalks around the stage as if frightened of something jumping out at her and then starts singing the MACAVITY song. This is the part of the movie that she is best at, as I said before she sings this song better than any other song. She tells us how Macavity is the 'evilest' of cats and whenever a crime is commited it's always by him even though they have no evidence and he's never at the scene of crime. She sings the first verse then along comes Bombi in her sultry voice singing the second. They continue telling how no one is as bad as Macavity, even his 'henchcats' who are know as:  
  
Mungojerrie (in the original they mentioned Rumple as well) and Griddlebone.  
  
Then finally the rest of the queens come out and dance one of the 'we're do sexy' dances. At the end of this song we get another Macavity scare. But this time, it's for real. Macavity and his 'henchcats' (One of which happens to be our darling Jacob!!!) 'steal' Old D. Macavity then fights with Munku which is a very 'energetic' fight. (How many of you knew that Plato and Macavity are the same person.. or was that Admetus and Macavity… meh?) Macavity then uses a large pair of spark plugs to put the lights out in the junkyard. (Ever wonder where the lights came from) (Cori – Trust me, you don't want to know. Tumble and Pounce rigged it up somehow) (Tumble and Pounce are the equivalent of Fred and George Weasley from Harry Potter.)  
  
The cats are all in despair that their leader has been 'stolen' from them. Cori and Tanti sing:  
  
1.1 We have to find old Deuteronomy  
  
And then comes Amy's fav cat! Rum Tum Tugger introduces him with the words:  
  
You ought to ask Mr Mistofolees the original conjuring cat. Please, listen to me, and don't scoff! All his inventions are of his own bat. He holds all the patent monopolies for causing amazing illusions and eccentric confusions. (Someone shines a torch on him at this point so that we can see him in all his glory)  
  
He then sings:  
  
The greatest magicians have something to learn, from Mr Mistofolees conjuring turn! And we all say Oh well! I never was there ever! A cat so clever as Magical Mr Mistofolees!  
  
Misto then says "PRESTO" and the lights turn on again. Amazing….  
  
He tells us how Misto (to lazy to write the whole thing out okay!) is incredible in that he can make seven kittens appear right out of a hat.  
  
Misto then does a little dance in which he pulls a large sheet out of a cup and a red one out of the old car. With this sheet he puts Cassie underneath it and 'transforms' her into Old D. (In true fact they have just switched places as she goes down an old pipe that he just came out of) Old D. 'thanks' him but then he just 'dissapears' in a wonderful flash of light.  
  
Jemima then stands up and sings the second of her solos. Quite an incredible soloist is Veerle. Even though it wasn't her own voice I have been told she does have a beautiful voice. And I believe that. She sings:  
  
Daylight,  
  
See the dew on a sunflower,  
  
And a rose that is fading,  
  
Roses wither away,  
  
Like the sunflower,  
  
I yearn to turn my face to the dawn,  
  
I am waiting, For the day.  
  
Then Munku pops up from… somewhere and gives his little speech:  
  
Now Old Deuteronomy,  
  
Just before dawn,  
  
Through a silence you feel you could cut with a knife,  
  
Announces to cat,  
  
Who can now be reborn and come back to a different Jellicle life.  
  
We then hear the oboes playing a pitiful tune. All the cats turn away as Grizzie enters again. She walks out to center stage. She knows that she is unable of dancing so she expresses her feelings in song. She sings how she is trying not to give in, but wants to die. This song is soooo moving. (I can't believe that Barbara Streisand would dare insult Elaine Paige by trying to sing it.) She sings her last note, and collapses. Many of the cats have turned around and are watching her with a slight tinge of concern. But then we hear the sweetest of voices raising above all of them. Jemi begins to help Grizzie by singing:  
  
Sunlight through the trees in summer,  
  
Endless masquerading,  
  
(Grizzie Joins in here)  
  
Like a flower as the dawn is breaking  
  
Then Grizzie continues:  
  
The memory is fading!  
  
Touch me! It's so easy to leave me,  
  
All alone with the memory,  
  
Of my days in the sun!  
  
If you touch me,  
  
You'll understand what happiness is!  
  
Look a new day, has begun.  
  
She stops before hobbling away and puts her hand behind her back. Victoria, with little apprehension gets up and places her paws in Grizzie's and then rubs her cheek against them. FINALLY! All the cats have accepted Grizzie. They continue 'passing' her around. Until she reaches Munkustrap who above all the others disliked her the most. He then passes her hands over to Old Deuteronomy who through a fanfare of trumpets leads her to the 'old tyre'.  
  
The rest of the cats begin to sing the 'passing on' song.  
  
Up, up, up past the Russel Hotel  
  
Up, up, up, up to the Heavieside layer (Those two repeated about three times and then)  
  
Up, up, up past the Jellicle Moon  
  
Up, up, up, up to the Heavieside layer  
  
(Repeat Twice)  
  
The Mystical divinity,  
  
Of unashamed felinity,  
  
Round the cathedral rang  
  
VIVAT.  
  
Life to the everlasting cat.  
  
The final song in this musical is one of sadness and great longing in the audience is felt that the musical is closing! NOOOOOO! The final song is the Adressing of Cats.  
  
Mainly Old Deuteronomy sings this and yes I am a lazy writer and I refuse to type up the song. (Cori – It wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that you are typing this in English and Mrs Wade is wondering why you are typing away while nothing is being said would it?) (Well…..) The cats join in on the choruses, there is a second, and much more magnificent chorus which is:  
  
A cat's entitled to expect,  
  
These evidences of respect,  
  
So this is this,  
  
And that is that,  
  
And that's how you address a cat.  
  
This is sung twice. If you listen you can here a beautiful almost unsingable descant in the last line of the second time around. And so ends CATS. I have the luxury of being able to see it anytime I want with my video if it. (Which is essential to any fanatic). And yes, my popcorn is empty and much of it scattered around the room from my constant attempts at copying the dance moves.  
  
Well Lillian? Was that thorough enough? (TEN PAGES IN WORD?!?!?!)  
  
I hope that I have not offended anyone with my views. I didn't mean to. Please don't flame me unless you have something that is seriously worth reading. 


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